You’re Due For A Rant, Palm

One of these gals wants to sell you a Palm Pre, the other already knows you don’t want one.

OK, Palm, I didn’t want to have to tell you this way, but your commercials really suck– stop trying… seriously. I’m not sure if you were going for Borg, Minority Report Precog or a combination of both, but someone should have stepped in and stopped that train wreck before it aired nationally every 60 seconds.

To put it in perspective, if the smartphone world was a boy band you would be Chris Kirkpatrick. Who’s that, you ask? Exactly.

The numbers sum it up best. In 2000, your stock traded at up to $669 a share while today it trades for just over $11, prompting Time to call you one of the 10 biggest tech failures of the last decade. Quite the achievement.

Furthermore, you went on to hack iTunes and then cried about it to the USB board when Apple closed the loophole. So I can’t say anyone has a great deal of sympathy for you.

That said, your commercials are painful and the otherworldly vibe isn’t very inviting. Moreover, what the hell is she talking about? I guess wherever she comes from a synced calendar and address book equate to a religious experience. She must have had a Razr before.

Watch Agatha the Precog get all deep and stuff

Yeah, yeah, the schnozberries taste like schnozberries, we get it. If you found that her riveting diatribe shook you to your core and made you question life and reality as you know it, then I’m willing to bet that the Hannah Montana movie resides somewhere near the top of your list of life changing events.

I can only hope that Palm will run out of money for ad campaigns soon.